Life's a journey - The continuation

I know I have once again been neglecting my blog.  In January I began to deal with some not so fun health issues and pain.  I am doing much better today and am grateful for each and every day and am reminded to not take anything for granted.
I have been fervently praying for this blog and my outreach to those impacted by infertility and I would ask that each of you would pray for guidance for me in what God would wants me to do to help the Hannahs.  I have been led to continue to share the next part of my journey and do so in continued hope that it will be the words that someone walking in similar shoes needs to hear.
Last time I stopped with the birth of our daughter Kaitlyn on March 10, 2004.  After she was born, Darren and I went through the life-changing adjustment of being parents.  It was during the first few weeks of Kaitlyn's life that I was reminded hourly why God gave me Darren as a partner and husband.  He was/is an amazing Father.  He never stressed when she cried, he didn't seem impacted by the lack of sleep and most of all he was a baby-whisperer and could put her to sleep in an instant.  I was a bit more gradual into being comfortable as a mom.  Don't get me wrong I truly loved this amazing, beautiful and miracle of a child, but I am a routine person and this was a whole routine for me :-). After the first couple of months, I finally felt comfortable and felt like God had given me a new calling in life of being the best Mom I could be to Kaitlyn.  I started staying home with Kaitlyn and I also started watching my niece who was 3 after my sister started teaching again.  I really did love every minute of being a mom, I couldn't wait to see all the changes that each day brought and truly tried to cherish each one.
We always planned to have more children, we never questioned it or even really discussed it we just knew we would have more.  After having Kaitlyn I found that birth control pills made me feel terrible and I had begun to have a lot of pain every single month during and right after my period.  We never really tried to not get pregnant, but when Kaitlyn was about 2 1/2 we started to make it a priority.  I went and visited with my doctor, let her know we wanted to have more children and explained that I was concerned because I having pain. She informed me that I should get on birth control pills for a few months and then get off of them and try to get pregnant then.  She also told me that because I had one child with my husband there was no reason to believe that we could not have more children.  She dismissed my pain as just being regular hormonal issues and nothing more. She said that if we were not able to get pregnant  within a year she would discuss further options.  I did the birth control, felt miserable for a few months and then got off and started trying to get pregnant again.  After a frustrating year of trying to get pregnant and after finding out my gallbladder was not functioning properly, I went back to my doctor.  She told me that she didn't see any issues and that she wanted me to make sure to have my gallbladder taken care of before I got pregnant.  I was also told by her to start doing temperature tracking, but that things still appeared normal and she did not think anything was hindering me from getting pregnant.  I again brought up the continuing and worsening pain and the fact that my sister had endometriosis and said that her pain was very similar to mine.  She told me that she did not think that was my problem and was not comfortable pursuing it because she did not believe I had endometriosis.
In October of that same year, I had my gallbladder removed per my doctor's orders and started to try to get pregnant again.  I tried to stay relaxed about the whole situation and even though I was doing temperature tracking, I did not obsess or worry about it.  This was of course much easier said than done :-). That year, I had friend after friend get pregnant, many after not trying or planning to have any or more children.  All the while I watched as I entered my third year of trying to get pregnant and getting very frustrated and feeling that no one, not even my doctor, was listening to my concerns.
In the midst of this year, my amazing, godly, loving Mother ended up in the hospital for three weeks, my marriage went through an extreme crisis and my husband's job was in utter chaos.  Darren and I had now begun what we still refer to as some of the darkest years of our lives.  After the crisis our marriage went through, we went to an amazing marriage counselor.  In one of our many sessions, Darren was discussing his concerns about my health and how I never felt good and had been dealing with unexplained pain for a few years now.  Our counselor recommended changing doctors and told me of some good doctors in the area we live.  After years of feeling like no one was listening to or caring about my concerns, I finally felt like I had some reassurance that I wasn't crazy and that I needed to listen to my body.
In December of that year, I went to see a new doctor.  After my examination I was taken into his office and told that he believed I had many of the symptoms and characteristics of endometriosis, including infertility.  He wanted to schedule surgery immediately and then discuss our options based on what he found.   In January of 2009, I had my first of many surgeries to come, exploratory laparoscopy with ablation.  What my doctor found both terrified me and gave me hope for  a future baby.  I not only had severe endometriosis, but it had blocked my fallopian tubes and grown on other non-reproductive organs.  My doctor was able to remove the endometriosis from one of my tubes, but the other one could not be cleared out without the risk of injury, so we would have to move onto some further treatment options.  We could no longer try to get pregnant until we had this taken care in fear of an ectopic pregnancy.  The treatments discussed at my follow-up exam from the surgery were fairly grim, but they were options and the doctor assured us that I had a high probability of getting pregnant after we went through further treatment.
I know this has been a lengthy and detailed post and it is a story that I hesitate to share in such detail and only do in hopes that I can help those who are hurting.  There are so many stories within this story about God's grace, peace, mercy, hope, provision and love, about friends and family who loved us, supported us and prayed for us. Through these dark years that I wrote about in this post and will write about in my future posts, I have had many people tell both Darren and I that they do not know how we handled things as well as we did.  I only have one answer that comes to mind and that answer is we didn't get through it by our own strength, but by God's strength.  Even when our faith wavered and we doubted we would ever make it through, He was still there and continues to be there!!

The Beginning

I have been very hesitant to share my story on the blog.  At first I chalked it up to not wanting the blog to be about me and my experiences, but wanting the blog to be about helping others going through the pain of infertility. As time as gone on I have discovered that a lot of my hesitation is instead from my fear of being vulnerable.  I had to come to grips with the reasons that I first felt called to start this blog and how I wanted to be open and honest to all who would read it and hopefully learn something from it.  So I will start telling the first part of my story and I hope and pray it helps some of you.

My husband, Darren and I met my Sophomore year of college, I was 19 and he was 26.  We met through a mutual friend and attended a Singles Bible Study led by our now Pastor.  I knew when I met Darren that there was something very different and special about him.  I was not a big dater in high school or college and had only had one serious boyfriend before meeting Darren, so for me to know there was something different about this guy was very unusual.  We dated for a little over a year before Darren asked me to marry him and after being engaged for a year and a half we were married.  We did pre-marital counseling with our friend who married us, but never dreamed of what our future would hold. 

After being married for almost 2 years Darren and I decided we were ready to enter the world of parenthood.  With lots of prayers, fears and anxiety we began the process of trying to get pregnant and 4 months later I discovered that I was happily pregnant!  We never knew at this time what a true miracle this was or how special this only pregnancy would be.   I had a very normal pregnancy until we went to our ultrasound at 19 weeks.  We went that day and heard all the normal things and heard that things look good and we learned that we were having a girl!  I was over the moon excited and felt so glad seeing our little girl on screen for the very first time.  A few days after our ultrasound I received a call from my doctor while I was at work with some very disturbing news. It was one of those life-changing moments where I can still picture what I was wearing and where I was standing. They believed that after further review of our ultrasound that my beautiful little girl had a severe birth defect in her brain and that it was possibly hydrocephalus.  We were referred to a high-risk pregnancy center and were told to expect the worse.  My regular doctor even recommended an abortion and I was livid at this suggestion and told her that no matter what the future held an abortion was not an option for us.  Throughout all of this, I felt closer to God and felt such an amazing amount of unexplainable peace that I really believed we would get through this.  I also prayed harder than I had ever had, all the while believing she would be okay. We went to the high-risk pregnancy clinic and after an ultrasound we were informed it was not hydrocephalus, but was choroid plexus cysts http://www.babyzone.com/pregnancy/health_wellness/prenatal_tests/ultrasound/article/choroid-plexus-cyst.  These cysts don't normally cause harm, but can sometimes be the precursor for other genetic diseases.  Based on these findings, an amniocentesis was done and I was scheduled to come back in for many more ultrasounds.  After my amniocentesis I started bleeding and feared I was having a miscarriage.  After a trip to the hospital I was informed that she was fine, but I made a few more trips to the hospital with bleeding, so it was a constant emotional roller-coaster.  At 31 weeks, we went back for yet another ultrasound and were told the cysts were gone and all the tests had come back completely normal.  We felt like our prayers had been answered and that this child was even more of a blessing. 

On March 10, 2004, Kaitlyn Grace Currin came into our lives.  She was the most beautiful, easy-going, loving child from the beginning (she is very stubborn like her Mom though).  Our lives were changed that day and the miracle that God had given us was there for us to hold in our arms.  We were parents, we were a little family and we felt very blessed!

So obviously, I am going to add more to our story very soon, but I do believe that our daughter is a big part of our story and therefore this is a good stopping point.  I feel everyday that God gave me a true miracle and as I add to the story you will understand this more.  I know some of you may be reading this and you have been unable to have any children, so I hope that this part of my story, even though it may not be applicable for you right now, will not turn you off from reading more.  For those of you who have been unable to have or adopt any children, my burden for you is heavier and I pray for you each day to have the grace to take life a day at a time and survive this tough road you have been given to travel.

Hope

This weekend my Pastor, Craig Groeschel, spoke about the song O Holy Night and like he always does, made me think about things in a whole new way.  He spoke about the line in the song "a new and glorious morning" and how sometimes we need to keep the hope alive and make it through the night because tomorrow is always a new day.  Like so many other things in my life, it reminded me of all the pain of infertility and how having hope even in the darkest of nights, is so very important.  He also spoke about our hope being in Christ and how He is there for us by giving us the help we are seeking.  Even when God did not give me the answers I was seeking, He still gave me the hope for a new day and He comforted me through many long, lonely, dark nights.  Isn't it amazing how you can have the worst night and wake-up the next morning feeling refreshed and ready to face whatever that day holds? I believe that having hope and knowing that tomorrow is a new day is very important at whatever stage you are in your infertility journey.  For my journey my hope is not to get pregnant, have a healthy pregnancy, or have a successful IVF process, but instead it is for us to be able to adopt the right child at the right time.  I hold onto and believe in this hope daily.  I also believe in something so much more important and bigger than me and that is Jesus Christ and His promises.  He is all I need, even when I feel I can't make it through another dark night.  Hold onto your hope and keep believing!

Thankful

Once again it has been way too long since I have posted a blog.  I know the older I get the faster time goes, but the last month truly feels like a week :-).   I have been watching all my friends and family post on their Facebook pages the things they are thankful for each day this month.  I have had great intentions of getting involved in this, but once again the pace of life has taken over and not allowed this to happen.  I thought this  might be a good opportunity to not only talk about some of the things that I am thankful for, but also share some of my thoughts about how hard the holidays are for me because of infertility.  
As the end of the year rolls around, I always think about the things that my family has accomplished that year and all the ways that things have changed.  Because of this mindset, whenever I think back on the year, one of the many things that bring me down is the thought that I haven't had or adopted a child that year.  This is always a hard thing for me to accept because I always go into each new year so optimistic that this will be the year.  I definitely try to be a positive and optimistic person, so when that desire is not fulfilled year after long year, my optimism starts to fade and wan.  I guess I would love to tell you that I have figured out the way to deal with this and that I honestly believe that this will be that year, but that is simply not true.  So this year, I am trying to have a different perspective and attitude.
I will be thankful for what I have and not focus on what I don't have.  I will be grateful for the child I have!  I will not look at each year as a waste, but as a possibility to do things I have never done.
 In that spirit here are the many things I am thankful for: Jesus (my savior), my amazing husband, my beautiful daughter, my godly parents, my loving and supportive sister and brother-in-law, my loving and supportive brother and sister-in-law, my three sweet nieces, my two mischievous nephews, my wonderful grandparents, my loving mother and father-in-law, an amazing job, my wonderful and supportive friends (you each know who you are), a warm home to sleep in each night, a car that gets me to work each day, a church that is outward focused,  my health (no surgeries in the last year!), never going to bed hungry, and my freedom.
I know that I could go on, but you get the picture.  When we truly reflect on our lives and what we have been given, we have far more than we deserve.  So, as you face a new holiday season and the many hopes and desires that have been unfulfilled, don't forget to also reflect on your many blessings!

"When the Sun Goes Down"

The last few weeks our life group has been studying Steven Furtick's book Sun Stand Still about Joshua's prayer to make the sun  stand still in Joshua 10:12.  He encourages each of us to make bold prayers to God and have the faith to believe that he can do the impossible (in our own human eyes).  This week at our group we discussed "when the sun goes down" and your prayers go unanswered.  In the book he encourages you to realize that God is using these moments to eventually help you grow and it does not mean that God doesn't care or listen to your prayers.  Needles to say, I turned into a blubbering mess in front of my entire life group that night.  We were asked to share any of these "sun goes down" prayers that we have had in our life.  Through many tears I shared with my group (who is pretty aware of our infertility issues), what the prayer of having another child going unanswered for me has done and what I have learned through it.  I hope by sharing it with those reading this blog as well,  I can possibly give some hope to someone in a similar spot.  I know I have not completely shared my story with all the details yet, and I will do that soon, but I can tell you there were some very dark days.
When we went through all our infertility, I interceded to God in a way I don't think I had ever really done before.  I prayed day and night not only for a child, but for my marriage and for the child I do have who might never have siblings.  I was fervent and relentless in my prayers.  I laid in bed night after long night unable to sleep (partially due to crazy hormones) and prayed and wept.  Then the "sun went down" and my prayer for another biological child was not answered.  I had a hysterectomy and had to come to grips with the fact that I would never have another biological child.  Through those dark days I would love to say that I was a women of incredible faith who kept on going to church, kept my faith strong, and continued to be grateful for what I was given, but I most definitely was none of the above.  I was a bitter, angry, confused, sad child.
Wow, now that I have just depressed you, let me get to the now.  I have slowly began to heal, forgive, love and remember who God has called me to be.  I realized that God did not cause this to happen, but that He did have a purpose through the hurting.  He wanted to use it to bring good and He wanted to bring me back to Him with a faith that was stronger than it has ever been and a belief that He really "works all things for good."  I have come to terms with the fact that I may never truly understand why we have had to go through so many trials and why we were not able to have more biological children.  I do however believe that God will use my experiences for good and I have already seen him present me and my husband with opportunities that I never imagined we would have.  For the first time in a very long time, I am happy most days, I have a stronger faith than I have ever had and I am grateful for so many things! I do have my bad days when I am still sad and angry, but I can tell you that they have become fewer and fewer.  I don't say all of this to you to flaunt where I am or flatter myself, but instead to tell you that there is a purpose in your pain, even when you don't believe it.  This situation can be used for good and you are going to realize that God has made you much stronger than you ever thought you were.  Even when "the sun goes down" on your prayers, no matter what those may be, He can and will definitely answer your prayers again, sometimes in ways you never could of imagined or dreamed.
I definitely still struggle with my prayers that went unanswered, but I am reminded of the millions of answered prayers.  The strong marriage I have today, the beautiful child I have, the friends and family who love me and support me and most importantly a God who loved me through it all, even when I didn't like or understand Him and His ways. I hope that all of this is not just more empty words to those of you experiencing similar hurt, but that these words will be comforting for someone who has been there. I will continue to pray for each and everyone of you and the pain and darkness you may be experiencing!

Empty Words

"It will get better. Things will work out. You just have to trust God.  Just quit trying to get pregnant and it will happen.  It's just not the right time for you.  There is always a reason. I completely understand what you are going through, it took me 3 months to get pregnant with my 5th child."

All of the above are statements that I have heard on this lonely journey, most of them too many times to count.  I am sure that any of you reading this, who have dealt with infertility, can relate to hearing these same empty words over and over.  How do you respond?  What do you say to make people understand?  Well first of all, they will never truly understand unless they have walked this bitter and lonely road.  Secondly, don't punch them in the face, no matter how badly you want to :-).  Most importantly, remember the experience that you are going through will eventually help make you more empathetic  and will teach you to never tell someone that you know exactly what they are gong through.  No matter what we go through in life there will always be experiences and situations that others go through that we cannot fully understand.   I hope that as you are walking through this journey, it will truly make you a stronger, kinder, more compassionate person.  I hope that as you read this you will be reminded that there is someone here who cares about what you are going through and wants to help you walk this road, those are not empty words!                                                                   

What are the biggest lessons that each of you have learned through this journey?

A few questions for you and me

Where do you begin when you have a story to share and people you want to help?  I have been struggling with this question for a long time and starting this blog is a first step towards answering this. The name of my blog comes from the Bible and the story of Hannah in I Samuel (it is an interesting read for those who have never read it).  Hannah struggled for many years to have a child and this was in a time and a society where being infertile was one of the worst possible things.  So my blog is focused on those "Hannahs" out there who are struggling, hurting and in a lonely place.  No matter your beliefs, background, or faith, those of us struggling with infertility can relate to Hannah's story.
My story is long and detailed and I promise to share more of this later, right now I want to say to those out there struggling with infertility and all that may bring for you, I care about you and hope that I can help you as you walk through (or crawl through) this journey.  For all the struggles that I have faced the hardest part of it all was feeling so lonely and isolated.  If it was not for my relationship with my savior, Jesus Christ; my relationship with my husband and a few key friends, I would not be where I am today.  Will those of you reading this, help me by telling me where you are hurting and what I can do to help you?  You can be as open or as concise as you would like.  I also want each of you who are struggling with this terrible thing to know that I think about and pray for you each and everyday.  No one should have to travel such a bumpy and lonely road, but isn't it so much better when you travel with a friend?