Wednesday, February 27, 2013
It is hard to believe I have not been working in a full-time capacity for almost 3 months. I fully expected to be much further into setting-up my non-profit and to be in a very regular, daily routine. Instead, I find myself each day taking baby steps and seeing what God has planned for me. As I shared in my last blog, my word for this year is focus. This has led me down a very difficult path and spiritually God has simply been breaking me down and helping me re-discover His plan and purpose for my life. This brings me to my title of positivity and pride. I have always considered myself a positive, glass half-full type of person, but I am quickly discovering a not so great character flaw of pride. My positivity and pride have recently been on a collision course. God has quite simply been breaking me of my pride and speaking to me about being more open, honest and authentic. I will share these struggles in the hope it will help others who have a similar problem with pride and to also allow me to be the authentic person God has called me to be. I started hormone replacement therapy in November. Within three weeks of starting it, I begin to have pain. I informed my doctor and my hormones were adjusted and eventually changed. About six weeks later I went from having pain to having severe, sometimes debilitating pain. After visiting with my doctor more, she informed me that it was most likely endometriosis that had not died off after my hysterectomy and that starting the hormones had allowed it to grow further. This will require stopping the hormones, having treatment for the endometriosis, having some further testing and seeing another specialist to check out some areas the endometriosis may have spread to. This diagnosis was devastating and very difficult to accept especially because of how long I have battled endometriosis and the belief that the hysterectomy would allow it to be gone. I have been very private and very proud and have chosen to not share how truly difficult and painful this has been. Even those close to me have been given the staunch, it hurts, but I am okay and it's not too bad answer. I am quite frankly embarrassed to share especially given my long history of dealing with this illness. My very smart and wise husband called me on this last week. After a particularly hard and painful day, he kindly told me that I need to open up and let others know my struggles and allow them to support and love me. I have to admit, I was very angry at him at first for calling me out, but I eventually realized he was right. I have been so caught up in constantly being positive and not wanting to burden others and in being extremely proud and afraid of being vulnerable that I have robbed myself of the joy of support, love and prayers. I am blessed with an amazing group of friends and family that want to love and support me, if I only I let go of my pride and let them in. I truly believe that is one of the reasons God puts people in our lives so that we can support and love them and we can also be supported and loved. It is impossible for us to love, support, encourage, pray and be there for each other if we do not let go of our pride, open up and be vulnerable. Who do you need to open up to? Who do you need to ask for prayer from? Please join with me in letting go of our pride, being vulnerable and sharing our pain, we will never know how blessed our life can be until we do!