When I sit down to write my blog post I always pray and ask for wisdom about what I should write that day. Sometimes, I question why I am being asked to write on a particular topic and sometimes the words come freely and clearly without question. My prayer is always the same "God show me what you would have me to share today, may it touch someone who is hurting and may my words not be harsh or judgmental for you know I have a long ways to go in my journey." Today's post was definitely not one that came quickly or easily. Whenever I discuss my daughter, my heart breaks for those that don't have any children and are dealing with infertility. I don't pity or feel sorry for them (I don't like people pitying me), instead I ache for what they are experiencing and know that their journey has to be one of the hardest. So, my hope and prayer in writing today's post is that you will hear the message of my heart.
Yesterday, was my daughter's first day of school, she started 3rd grade. I dread every school year because it reminds me of how much she has grown and how we will only have her at home for a short time. I managed to hold it together pretty well as I took her into her school and watched her find her teacher in her morning assembly. I even held it together as I walked to the car and drove away. Driving down the rode to work, I was hit by the realization that I had dropped her off for 3rd grade. A year filled with letter grades, state testing and many expectations on my sweet 8 year-old. To be completely honest, I was not only filled with sadness that she was growing-up so fast, but also with anger that this may possibly be my last day to take a child to 3rd grade. I am normally a rather optimistic, glass half-full person, but I was not thinking that way yesterday. I begin to question God and why he would allow me to have this longing to have more children and not provide. All day long I struggled with this question and was really sad and upset. Needless to say, it was not a great day for me :-).
Last night, as I got my daughter ready for bed and I begin rushing around to get everything ready for yet another day, my sweet little girl out of the blue said to me "mommy, you are the bestest mommy in the world and there isn't another mommy I would want to have. I wouldn't trade you for anything." She then proceeded to ask me to tell her the story of how she was a miracle and how I wasn't supposed to be able to have babies. I told her once again about how special she is, about how God healed her when she was still in my tummy and there was something wrong with her brain and about how a couple years after she was born we found out that we shouldn't have been able to have any children. She then said the sweetest and most humbling thing to me. She told me that she was glad that me and daddy had her, because it would be really hard if we didn't have her. Wow, talk about a wake-up call from an 8 year-old! All day long, I was angry and sad about not having more children, instead of focusing on what I had right in front of me. I feel truly blessed to have Kaitlyn and to have her call me mommy.
So here is what I learned from my 8 year-old, rather wise daughter: I need to focus more on what I have been blessed with and not on what I don't have. I need to spend each day thanking God for given me a miracle child. I could sure use Kaitlyn's perspective on so many things I face and get frustrated about.
I know we are told again and again to count our blessings and be grateful for what we have, but if you are anything like me that is one of the hardest things to do when you are facing this infertility battle.
What do you have to be thankful for today? A loving and supportive husband? A roof over your head? A family that loves you? A job? Food to eat everyday? A church family? Close friends? Your health? I know that it is truly hard to be grateful for what you have, when there is something that you pray for and want so badly, but please take a moment today to be thankful for what you do have and don't take anything for granted! I know this is what I need to do more often, I bet if I do I will have some better days.
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