As I thought over the last 9 months of my life, I had the realization that I have been living my life just waiting for things to work out for good or bad and have been living life in a holding pattern waiting to land and constantly thinking I may not land safely. I have been waiting for the next day, week, or month to come so that I could see what type of tail-spin my life would go in. I am not saying that I don't have happy moments and good days, but it has just been the overall way I have approached life recently. When did I become so jaded that I believed that tomorrow could be terrible? When did I allow a negative perspective and attitude that I am just circling and waiting and doing the same things over and over believing the worst to happen become the way I lived?
The last 9 months of my family's life has been filled with illness, financial strain, more illness, surgery, and the people I love being sick, hurt and struggling. My marriage has also faced some major obstacles and my positive attitude and outlook on life has been tested. I have been struggling to find clarity on many decisions and issues that we have been facing. I know that I had been given clear direction by God on some key issues, but I have been so afraid to move forward in them.
Darren and I recently had a huge answer to prayer financially and a few days later as I was driving to work I felt overwhelmed with thankfulness and relief. After the initial relief passed, I started thinking about how I had been living my life lately and how many moments I had potentially missed by being in a holding pattern and letting everything pass by me with notice. When we are in a holding pattern, we can quit doing so many good things because of fear of what bad things could happen. I prayed and asked for for forgiveness in that moment. I also asked that God would give me the opportunities to land and engage in my life and not be so distracted by the "what-ifs" and the "could happens." I don't want to be in a holding pattern any more, it is tiring way to live life! I don't want to live in fear anymore and I want to be everything that God has called me to be. I want to help encourage others around me and not let any moment to spend time with God, my family, or friends pass me by. I must give up my control to God and believe that is it okay that He is only the one that knows the future of my family. I know that I am going to face many more obstacles in my future, but no matter what I don't want to stay in a holding pattern, I want to fly and land on the things that He has planned for me.