The last few weeks our life group has been studying Steven Furtick's book Sun Stand Still about Joshua's prayer to make the sun stand still in Joshua 10:12. He encourages each of us to make bold prayers to God and have the faith to believe that he can do the impossible (in our own human eyes). This week at our group we discussed "when the sun goes down" and your prayers go unanswered. In the book he encourages you to realize that God is using these moments to eventually help you grow and it does not mean that God doesn't care or listen to your prayers. Needles to say, I turned into a blubbering mess in front of my entire life group that night. We were asked to share any of these "sun goes down" prayers that we have had in our life. Through many tears I shared with my group (who is pretty aware of our infertility issues), what the prayer of having another child going unanswered for me has done and what I have learned through it. I hope by sharing it with those reading this blog as well, I can possibly give some hope to someone in a similar spot. I know I have not completely shared my story with all the details yet, and I will do that soon, but I can tell you there were some very dark days.
When we went through all our infertility, I interceded to God in a way I don't think I had ever really done before. I prayed day and night not only for a child, but for my marriage and for the child I do have who might never have siblings. I was fervent and relentless in my prayers. I laid in bed night after long night unable to sleep (partially due to crazy hormones) and prayed and wept. Then the "sun went down" and my prayer for another biological child was not answered. I had a hysterectomy and had to come to grips with the fact that I would never have another biological child. Through those dark days I would love to say that I was a women of incredible faith who kept on going to church, kept my faith strong, and continued to be grateful for what I was given, but I most definitely was none of the above. I was a bitter, angry, confused, sad child.
Wow, now that I have just depressed you, let me get to the now. I have slowly began to heal, forgive, love and remember who God has called me to be. I realized that God did not cause this to happen, but that He did have a purpose through the hurting. He wanted to use it to bring good and He wanted to bring me back to Him with a faith that was stronger than it has ever been and a belief that He really "works all things for good." I have come to terms with the fact that I may never truly understand why we have had to go through so many trials and why we were not able to have more biological children. I do however believe that God will use my experiences for good and I have already seen him present me and my husband with opportunities that I never imagined we would have. For the first time in a very long time, I am happy most days, I have a stronger faith than I have ever had and I am grateful for so many things! I do have my bad days when I am still sad and angry, but I can tell you that they have become fewer and fewer. I don't say all of this to you to flaunt where I am or flatter myself, but instead to tell you that there is a purpose in your pain, even when you don't believe it. This situation can be used for good and you are going to realize that God has made you much stronger than you ever thought you were. Even when "the sun goes down" on your prayers, no matter what those may be, He can and will definitely answer your prayers again, sometimes in ways you never could of imagined or dreamed.
I definitely still struggle with my prayers that went unanswered, but I am reminded of the millions of answered prayers. The strong marriage I have today, the beautiful child I have, the friends and family who love me and support me and most importantly a God who loved me through it all, even when I didn't like or understand Him and His ways. I hope that all of this is not just more empty words to those of you experiencing similar hurt, but that these words will be comforting for someone who has been there. I will continue to pray for each and everyone of you and the pain and darkness you may be experiencing!
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